Deja Vu

Some things about the movie business are just so predictable. Don’t know what I mean? Read on:Predictable fact no. 1 — All our movie stars suddenly surface when their films are about to release. Till then they’ve been mostly inaccessible to the media because they’ve been (a) in the bathroom (b) sleeping (c) shooting abroad for 55 months (d) spending quality time with their family and close friends (they’ve been working so hard for many years, you see, they deserve a break).

Predictable fact no. 2 - Once they start promoting their films, this is how all the interviews go. (And this applies to all films, all actors, all directors. They say the same things for every film, regardless of whether it’s a comedy, an action film, a love story, whatever.)

“I’ve worked really hard on this movie. I hope audiences appreciate my work.”

“X (insert name of a senior co-star) was so helpful and cooperative. Despite the fact that he/she has been in the industry for so long, he/she was really down to earth. And so professional! He/she still works so hard on his/her performance. It’s really inspiring.”

“I was quite nervous about acting with X (insert name of hero). But I was so surprised - he was so helpful and cooperative. He really put me at ease and made me comfortable.”

“We had so much fun on the sets. It was like a picnic. It just didn’t feel like I was working.”

“X (insert name of a male co-star) is such a prankster on the sets. He’s always playing pranks on everyone!” (Why are so many actors ‘pranksters on the sets?’ I mean, do they think they’re in Enid Blyton’s Mallory Towers series - written more than 50 years ago - where boarding school girls continually played ‘pranks’ or what Blyton called ‘tricks’ on their teachers?)

The following stories will also be quietly ‘leaked’ to the media around the time of the film’s release (some newspapers take money from the producer to print these stories):

Example one: X (insert name of actor) did all his stunts himself. Everyone was so impressed. There was no need for him to have done that, the double was there - but he insisted. There was a particularly scary stunt where he jumped off a 12-storey building / hung from a helicopter… we all held our breath but thankfully it went off well.”

Example two: X (insert name of actor or actress) got high fever in the middle of the shoot. But he/she was so professional, he/she reported to shoot and completed the entire day’s work. He/she was so concerned about the producer - after all, he (the producer) must have spent so much money fixing that day’s shooting. He/she couldn’t let him/her down.”

Example three: X (insert name of the hero) is alleged to have got really close to Y (insert name of the heroine). They were spotted having cosy dinners and going for long drives. But when asked, X sounded really exasperated. “I’m so tired of being linked up with every actress I work with! I’ve just got used to it now. I guess it’s all part of being an actor. But I keep wondering — who the media will link me with next time! Thankfully, my wife is very understanding - she knows this is all part and parcel of an actor’s life.” And Y will say, “Puh-leez! We’re just friends! Can’t someone just have a coffee with a co-star without people jumping to conclusions?!”

And after the film?

“I’m so overwhelmed by the love and affection that the people have shown me.”